The defective parrot - email jksw

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.  It doesn't have any feet or legs.  The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies.  'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot.  'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.  'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'  'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy.  'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.  I'm especially good at ornithology.  You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.  'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.  You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.  The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.  The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.  'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.  'THEN what happened?' 'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'    If this didn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day !!!!!!!!!!!    PS I do hope that you did not fall off the perch.

Chinese honeymoon... - email jksw

A young Chinese couple get married She's a virgin & they are both waiters.  Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.   He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.  I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

  Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69". More thoughtful silence, but this time from him Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

G20 summit... - email from jksw

G20 ENDS ABRUPTLY AS OBAMA CALLS PUTIN A JACKASS

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

ST. PETERSBURG (The Borowitz Report)—Hopes for a positive G20 summit crumbled today as President Obama blurted to Russia’s Vladimir Putin at a joint press appearance, “Everyone here thinks you’re a jackass.”

The press corps appeared stunned by the uncharacteristic outburst from Mr. Obama, who then unleashed a ten-minute tirade at the stone-faced Russian President.

“Look, I’m not just talking about Snowden and Syria,” Mr. Obama said. “What about Pussy Riot? What about your anti-gay laws? Total jackass moves, my friend.”

As Mr. Putin narrowed his eyes in frosty silence, Mr. Obama seemed to warm to his topic.

“If you think I’m the only one who feels this way, you’re kidding yourself,” Mr. Obama said, jabbing his finger in the direction of the Russian President’s face. “Ask Angela Merkel. Ask David Cameron. Ask the Turkish guy. Every last one of them thinks you’re a dick.”

Shortly after Mr. Obama’s volcanic performance, Mr. Putin released a terse official statement, reading, “I should be afraid of this skinny man? I wrestle bears.”

After one day of meetings, the G20 nations voted unanimously on a resolution that said maybe everyone should just go home

---

The joke of the millennium: email from jksw.

*Teacher* -"Where is the CAPITAL of SRI LANKA ?" 
*Student* -"In Swiss Banks"

Marketing - email from jksw

       A Professor explained Marketing to MBA students

       1. You see gorgeous girl in party,
       you go to her & say I am rich marry me
       That's Direct Marketing.

       2. You attend party & your friend goes to a girl & pointing at you
       tells her. He' is very rich, marry him - That's Advertising.

       3. Girl walks to you & says u are rich, can u marry me?
       "That's Brand Recognition"

       4. You say I m very rich marry me & she slaps u
       "That's Customer Feedback"

       5. You say I m very rich marry me & she introduces you to her husband
       "That's Demand & Supply Gap"

       6. Before you say I m rich, marry me, your wife arrives
       That's Restriction from Entering New Market

Playing golf email from jksw

Gods punishment!

jksw

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So .... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

Setting up on the first tee, he was all alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

Watching this sacrilege  Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord, while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!



St. Peter looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"  

'Getting to know you'

A lovely piece from the Broadway musical "The King and I", a hit in the 1960s.
Click on the link below and listen carefully to the words of the lilting music:-


Song from the movie 'The King and I'. Click below:-

http://youtu.be/bRpeFRc_xM4

The cartoon version, click below :-

http://youtu.be/X3Zqw7--fuU

A stage version, click below:-

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJheD6XZDsg&feature=youtube_gdata_player