Limerics from jksw

Adult Limericks, There was a young girl of Cape Cod Who thought babies were fashioned by God, But 'twas not the Almighty Who hiked up her nightie - 'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God! ***** There was a young maid from Madras Who had a magnificent ass; Not rounded and pink, As you probably think - It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. ***** There was a young sailor named Bates Who danced the fandango on skates. But a fall on his cutlass Has rendered him nut less, And practically useless on dates. ***** A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker, plus eight, Is his phone number - give him a call. ***** There was a young girl named Ann Heuser Who swore that no man could surprise her. But Pabst took a chance, Found a Schlitz in her pants, And now she is sadder Budweiser. *****

A lawyer's story - email jksw

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy
from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire", and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW, FOR THE BEST PART.. You are going to love this.
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company
had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

 --

The Buddha explains how to handle insult and maintain compassion.

;
 One day The Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude
 young man came up and began insulting him. “You have no right teaching
others, he shouted.” You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake.”

The Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man
 “Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take
 it, to whom does the gift belong?”
 The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered,
 “It would belong to me, because I bought the gift.”
 The Buddha smiled and said, “That is correct. And it is exactly the
 same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get
 insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one
 who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.”
 “If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger
and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become
unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy.”
The young man listened closely to these wise words of the Buddha. “You
are right, o Enlightened One, “he said. “Please teach me the path of
 love. I wish to become your follower.”
 The Buddha answered kindly, “Of course. I teach anyone who truly wants
 to learn. Come with me.”
 Beautiful Quotes
 If you are right then there is no need to get angry, And if you are
wrong then you don’t have any right to get angry.
 Patience with family is love,
Patience with others is respect,
Patience with self is confidence and
Patience with GOD is faith.
Never Think Hard about PAST, It brings Tears…
Don’t Think more about FUTURE, It brings Fears…
Live this Moment with a Smile, It brings Cheers.!!!!
 Every test in our life makes us bitter or better,
Every problem comes to make us or break us,
Choice is our whether we become victim or victorious !!!
Search a beautiful heart not a beautiful face.
Beautiful things are not always good but
good things are always beautiful.
Do you know, why God created gaps between fingers? So that someone who
is special to you, comes and fills those gaps by holding your hands
forever;http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/worldmalayaliclub
When someone shares something of value with you and you
benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.
Gerald Nadarajah

Assasination - Asif Zadari, email from Kamalini Kanapathippillai.

Joke: Absolutely Brilliant !!!
>
> President of Pakistan:
> Mr. Asif Zardari
> teaching his children the spelling of
> Assassination
> One ass behind another ass, behind that I, and behind
> me the whole nation.
>

Adam's bridge - email from gunsie

Adam's Bridge. The story and pictures.

Adams Bridge.doc 188K   View   Download

A dog named Jasmine - email from Piyusha Atapattu.

Click on web-link below:-

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/jasmine.asp

The way of the British - email from jksw

The British Way...... ATaliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, " I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! " "OK," said the soldier, If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has lots of nice ice cold water, all you need." Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he comes staggering and crawling back, collapsing with dehydration & and he rasped: "They won't let me in without a f***ing tie!"