email from Lawrence Ratnam

Lawrenceratnamnam

Subject: Should children witness childbirth?

This is well worth a read

Should children witness childbirth? A very good question indeed. Here's your answer. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby... Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.  The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'  If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

=

Close encounters 2 - Silverback Gorilla - email from Lawrence Ratnam.

What an experience!

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LawrenceRatnam@aol.com	15:18 (2 hours ago)
to lawrenceratnam

A tourist camp in Africa -- You can tell that the guy was stunned by his experience.
This is a great video of the Silverback Gorilla and family coming into camp for a visit. Quite an unusual experience.


Not sure we could have stayed that calm.



Click here: Wild Gorilla Encounter <http://www.youtube.com/v/1eXS0o6r-Wk%26rel%3d0%26hl%3den_US%26feature%3dplayer_embedded%26version%3d3> 

Timbuktu - email from Lawrence Ratnam

Aussie poetry competition

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LawrenceRatnam@aol.com	14:57 (16 hours ago)
to lawrenceratnam

Subject: FW: AUSSIE POETRY COMPETITION
 

The Australian Poetry Competition had 
come down to two finalists - a university 

graduate and an old aboriginal. They 
were given a word, then allowed two 

minutes to study the word and come 
up with a poem that contained the word. 

The word was ' TIMBUKTU '.

First to read his poem was the university 
graduate. He stepped to the

microphone and said:
    

"Slowly across the desert sand, 

Trekked a lonely caravan; 

Men on camels two by two, 

Destination Timbuktu ".

The crowd went crazy! No way 
could the old man top that, they 
thought. 

The aboriginal calmly made 
his way to the microphone and recited:

" Me and Tim a huntin' went, 

Met three whores in a pop up tent; 

They were three, and we were two, 

So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

The aboriginal won hands down.

Where do babies come from? email Lawrence Ratnam

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LawrenceRatnam@aol.com	22:29 (8 hours ago)
to lawrenceratnam

It is clean really hilarious  Have a good laugh

 

 

 

Subject: Where Babies Come From?

Its Priceless....Have the sound on high and listen to every word  .... it's simply hilarious!!

http://pinterest.com/pin/176484879119087219/

email from Lawrence Ratnam

Gotta Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another...

I hope everyone in your head is happy - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

email from Lawrence Ratnam

When I was young, my intention was to go to medical school. The entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters "PSNEI"to spell out an
important part of the human body that is more useful when it is erect."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Politics.

email sent by Lawrence Ratnam

Lawrence Ratnam's SATNAV

LawrenceRatnam@aol.com	14:59 (3 hours ago)
to lawrence.ratnam, me

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear

And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then
I could turn the friggin’ thing off.