The confession - email from jksw

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 

 The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' 

 

Obama and the Prime Minister of Thailand - email sent by Kamalini Kanapathippillai.

Obama meets the Prime-Minister of Thailand.

Wait till you get home.

David, the 'lateral thinker' - email from Kamalini Kanapathippillai

An exam answer paper from Canada. He desrved the A mark.

English in foreign lands - email by jksw.

Wonderful English from Around the World In a Bangkok Temple : IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge , Norway : LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a sign at Phuket OPENED SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, EXCEPT TUESDAYS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES . Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel , Yugoslavia : THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel , Japan : YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. (tell that to the ex-IMF Managing Director!) In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest : IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACKFOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich : BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

                                                                                                                       

 At a Punjabi restaurant:

IF YOU DID NOT LIKE THE FOOD THEN COMPLAIN BEFORE EATING. A Laundry in Rome : LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally the all-time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:                                                                                  IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST email Lawrence Ratnam

I was a very happy man.My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.                            

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

Bathtub Test

Bathtub Test Inbox x Sunil Liyanage 21:20 (9 hours ago) to Sunil During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said.  ..................... ...................... ................... "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :)

The Queen's riddle - email jksw

The Queen's Riddle Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron the Prime Minister in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one!" He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but no one could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin in a restaurant one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child, and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's David Cameron !"

Note by Philip G V 

The above riddle has a parallel and was enacted in Sri Lanka more than 2000 years ago. It relates to The Venerable Mahinda Thera quizzing the King Devanampiya Tissa on how many mango trees were there at the mango grove at Mihinthale. When Mahinda answered the question correctly he was deemed fit to receive instructions on the philosophy of Buddhism. This I presume was the first recorded IQ test in history. This incident is recorded in the Mahawansa - a Pali chronicle - written around 500 AD.