Transcripts from court - email from Kamalini Kanapathippillai

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
  WITNESS:   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
  WITNESS:   My name is Susan!
  ____________________________________________
  

  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  WITNESS:   Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  WITNESS:    I forget.
  ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
  ___________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
  ____________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old , how old is he?
  WITNESS:    He's 20, much like your IQ.
  ___________________________________________
  
   _________________________________________
   (My Favourite)
  ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
  WITNESS:    Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
  WITNESS:    Getting laid
  ____________________________________________
   (Another favourite)
  ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
  WITNESS:    Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
  WITNESS:    None.
  ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
  WITNESS:     Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
  ____________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
  WITNESS:    By death.
  ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
  WITNESS:    Take a guess.
  ____________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
  WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
  ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?
  WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
  _____________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
  WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  ______________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  WITNESS:    All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
  _________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
  WITNESS:    Oral.
  _________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
  ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
  WITNESS:    If not, he was by the time I finished.
  ____________________________________________
 
   
  And last:
 
  ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
  WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Underwater views - email from Gallege De Silva.

This is gorgeous!  Enjoy - and if you click on the CC (lower right) the labels for the fish will show. (choose language desired)

 

The Ocean as you have never seen it   This is in HD, 3D. I hope your computer can view it that way.   ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS EVER! The Ocean as you have never seen it. (GO FULL SCREEN)   http://www.youtube.com/embed/mcbHKAWIk3I

 

 

 

The defective parrot - email jksw

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.  It doesn't have any feet or legs.  The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies.  'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot.  'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.  'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'  'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy.  'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.  I'm especially good at ornithology.  You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.  'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.  You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.  The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.  The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.  'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.  'THEN what happened?' 'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'    If this didn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day !!!!!!!!!!!    PS I do hope that you did not fall off the perch.

Chinese honeymoon... - email jksw

A young Chinese couple get married She's a virgin & they are both waiters.  Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.   He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.  I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

  Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69". More thoughtful silence, but this time from him Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

G20 summit... - email from jksw

G20 ENDS ABRUPTLY AS OBAMA CALLS PUTIN A JACKASS

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

ST. PETERSBURG (The Borowitz Report)—Hopes for a positive G20 summit crumbled today as President Obama blurted to Russia’s Vladimir Putin at a joint press appearance, “Everyone here thinks you’re a jackass.”

The press corps appeared stunned by the uncharacteristic outburst from Mr. Obama, who then unleashed a ten-minute tirade at the stone-faced Russian President.

“Look, I’m not just talking about Snowden and Syria,” Mr. Obama said. “What about Pussy Riot? What about your anti-gay laws? Total jackass moves, my friend.”

As Mr. Putin narrowed his eyes in frosty silence, Mr. Obama seemed to warm to his topic.

“If you think I’m the only one who feels this way, you’re kidding yourself,” Mr. Obama said, jabbing his finger in the direction of the Russian President’s face. “Ask Angela Merkel. Ask David Cameron. Ask the Turkish guy. Every last one of them thinks you’re a dick.”

Shortly after Mr. Obama’s volcanic performance, Mr. Putin released a terse official statement, reading, “I should be afraid of this skinny man? I wrestle bears.”

After one day of meetings, the G20 nations voted unanimously on a resolution that said maybe everyone should just go home

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The joke of the millennium: email from jksw.

*Teacher* -"Where is the CAPITAL of SRI LANKA ?" 
*Student* -"In Swiss Banks"

Marketing - email from jksw

       A Professor explained Marketing to MBA students

       1. You see gorgeous girl in party,
       you go to her & say I am rich marry me
       That's Direct Marketing.

       2. You attend party & your friend goes to a girl & pointing at you
       tells her. He' is very rich, marry him - That's Advertising.

       3. Girl walks to you & says u are rich, can u marry me?
       "That's Brand Recognition"

       4. You say I m very rich marry me & she slaps u
       "That's Customer Feedback"

       5. You say I m very rich marry me & she introduces you to her husband
       "That's Demand & Supply Gap"

       6. Before you say I m rich, marry me, your wife arrives
       That's Restriction from Entering New Market