'Bella' on retirement.

I said to Sunil that the best way to keep myself occupied in retirement is to have a baby; his shocked response was this story. With the help of fertility experts, a 65 year old woman had a baby. All her relatives came to see the newest member of their family. When they asked to see the baby, the new mother says “not yet”. A little later they ask again. Again the mother says “not yet”. Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?” And the mother says “When the baby cries”. “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” The new mother says “because I forgot where I put it”.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully though:

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that’s not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather. My tyres are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here’s the worst of it – Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter – my radiator leaks. Well, I am not quite there yet. But with the help of my friends and colleagues, I hope to put all this right, until I look like a well-maintained vintage car.

I have enjoyed my time as a doctor and a radiologist. I never set out to be a radiologist. I wanted to be a rheumatologist. I went for my job interview at Reading, and was duly appointed Registrar in Rheumatology. My two prospective Consultants who had interviewed me got talking to Sunil who had accompanied me. Sunil was keen on a career in Paediatrics, and was doing general and neonatal paediatrics at the time, and was looking for a more senior post. Within a few moments of talking to Sunil, the senior consultant Ian Meanock came and asked me whether I minded stepping down to the SHO job, so that Sunil could be offered the Registrar post in Rheumatology. I didn’t think I had a choice in the matter, as the decision seemed to have been made already. Sunil then decided on a career in Rheumatology, and I was left with the task of finding any other speciality – and I ended up in Radiology. I had done my MRCP in preparation for a career in Rheumatology. So when I switched to Radiology, I had to start at the bottom of the ladder again. This was not nice. So, after a shaky start, I began to enjoy radiology.

It can’t be such a difficult speciality to master. Once I had to take my 6 year old son to work with me for a few hours. I took him to my room and gave him a few books, and asked him to keep quiet and read, while I did some reporting. A little while later, I left the room for a few minutes, came back and saw him using my dictaphone, saying, “Heart size normal, lung fields clear. Heart size normal, lung fields clear. Heart size normal, lung fields clear”.

I started here as a Consultant in 1975 and have enjoyed every minute - well, may not be every minute, of my working life. I am sure all of us have moments of frustration; but all in all, work was always a great pleasure.

I have relished my career as a radiologist. I have eaten up every ounce of information that came my way, and dealt out as much compassion as I could, even if I didn’t always feel like it. I have tried to maintain a balance in my life, and hold on to my sanity. You would have to judge if I succeeded or not.

We have made many and close friendships among Consultants, other hospital staff, and GPs. I thank you for the years of companionship and support you have given me.

Bringing up two wonderful sons has perhaps been my best achievement, but I must let you know what they think about this. One day I walked into the sitting room and found it terribly messy, and started telling them off. One of them immediately said to me, “It’s not our fault mummy, we have been badly brought up”.

As you probably know we are working part-time at the moment so that we can wean our body and soul to full retirement. Though it’s been a wonderful 30 years I am also looking forward to doing as I please in full retirement, and not necessarily living by the clock all the time.

The next stage may be a nursing home, but I found an alternative! No nursing home for me. I am checking in to the Holiday Inn. With the average cost of a nursing home reaching £100 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-stay discount and a senior’s discount it is £53 per night. That leaves £47 a day for: Lunch and dinner at any restaurant I want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV films. They provide a free swimming pool, and a gym. Most have free toothpaste (though I may not have teeth by then), and all have free shampoo and soap.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced, maybe often? No problem. They fix everything, and apologise for the inconvenience. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. £3 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a bus stop out front, and OAPs travel free. The disabled bus will also pick you up, if you fake a decent limp. To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus, and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere; otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into a decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever; you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from City to City. They have a night security person, and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance or the undertaker.

Before I reach the nursing home stage, there are a few things I wish to have:

Before I go, I’d like to have high cheekbones, and

be thought of as thin

And I’d like to learn to tap-dance, salsa and spin

I’d like to have a theme song, and plenty of bling

When I enter a room, I’d like an orchestra and

choir to sing

Before I go, I’d like Robert Redford, just once, to

slide his fingers down my back, from my

neck to my waistline

But I’d like to have a waistline before I go

I’d like, when offered a choice between duty and

sin, to not immediately choose duty

But I’d like a couple of offers before I go

Isabella's view of Sunil Liyanage, her husband.

Forty years is a long time. How did it last so long, and what is our secret. Let me tell you.

St Francis prayed for serenity to accept the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things that can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference. God has not given me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, nor did I ask Him for it. So I went ahead with the courage to change the things I should.

When I married Sunil, I knew he was very kind, very generous, very romantic, terribly polite and very considerate. You might think for a moment that he was faultless; but he did have one or two faults that had to be changed.

The major fault was that he did not know where or how to shop. He bought me presents from John Lewis’ and Daniels’. I would accept the gifts with a big, false thank you, and other signs of appreciation; I would quietly retrieve the receipts from his wallet, and return the gifts to the shops. After 2-3 years of this, I thought that something had to be done. I introduced him to shops in Bond Street and Knightsbridge, and of course Tiffany’s. Until then, he had thought that Tiffany’s was a café serving only breakfast.

He thinks that he is a very good driver. Then, why is he always teetering on 9 points? And attending Speed Awareness Courses? Here is our typical journey to London, with him driving:

I swear that he drove through a red – not a

yellow – light,

Plus he’s doing 71 in a 50-mile zone

And he’s in the wrong lane if he plans to take a

right.

I mention all this in a loving, respectful tone,

While alerting him to the fellow crossing the

street,

And the fact that he’s way too close to the car

ahead.

I speak in a voice so gentle, so soft, and so sweet

That he really should be ashamed of what he

just said.

But as undeterred by his words as I’ve always

been,

I suggest putting on the headlights because its

dark,

Observe that he almost collided when he cut in,

And point out that a stop sign means stop –

full stop – not slow,

And that if he makes that U-turn we’ll probably

die.

But I never convey either rancour or reproach,

Hoping that one of these years he’ll be grateful

that I

Am not merely his life companion but also his

driving coach.

When I drive, he can convey his message to me without any words. If I hit the kerb, he leaps up from his seat as though someone had put a hot poker up his … He applies brakes from his passenger side. He ducks or moves away in his seat from an imaginary impending collision. So I may not be such a good driver as he is; but I have only 3 points.

Marriage, they say survives on communication. We have excellent communication – but it’s only one way. I talk and he doesn’t. He doesn’t even listen to what I am saying. At dinner, I talk and he does not. Occasionally, he grunts an approval. But I know he is not listening when the grunt is badly timed. One day I decided to keep quiet to see if he would notice, and say something. He did finally speak – and you know what, he said something about cricket. Am I bowered?

He used to speak twice a day, and that was to the dog. “Good morning Polo, how are you”, and in the evening, “Good evening Polo, how was your day”. But that also stopped when the dog died.

Over the years, we have worked out a few essential things in life:

How long his mother should visit

How much is enough insurance

That overseas travel has to be in comfort

Hotels have to be 5 star

Diamonds are not a luxury

But thermostatically, we are incompatible.

Lately I am in the kitchen in my sweater and fleece-lined jacket; he sits there in a short-sleeved shirt, asking whether he can open the window to let some fresh air in. May be we have to start eating in separate rooms.

Sometimes I am in bed, hot and gasping for breath; he is right beside me in flannel pyjamas asking whether I could keep the window closed. May be we’ll have to sleep in separate rooms.

So there is a 65º F separation between us.

We seldom argue. In fact we never argue. You can’t believe it, can you. Because you need two people to have an argument. If there is a disagreement, I want to sort it out with a few words naturally. But he goes completely silent. He knows that his silence works me up, much more than any number of words can. Eventually, I give up – obviously defeated.

I like to dance, and he does not. We would go to dances and balls; and all the other husbands would have taken their wives on to the dance floor, and I would sit there waiting to be asked; and I’d wait, and wait and wait. I went through a few events like this; and then I started asking him to dance. One day, on the way back from a dance, I told him very gently and very softly, but in no uncertain terms, how it’s done. Now he is so frightened that when the band strikes the first note, he is up by my side asking me to dance. So that’s sorted.

So I have changed him to my liking in many respects, and am still working on some of the others. But I wouldn’t change him for the world.

He is a wonderful husband and father. He is extremely generous to me and the boys. He has never said No to anything I wanted, but I must say I am a woman of thrift, and have not demanded much.

Here is a poem I came across, and it is suitable for today:

He is my friend

He likes me when I am dopey, and not just when I am smart

I worry a lot about pythons, and he understands.

My toes point in and my shoulders droop; and

there are wrinkles on my face

But he says I look good.

He is my friend

He likes me when I am grouchy, and not just

when I am nice

I worry a lot about werewolves, and he

understands.

There are hairs growing all over me except on my eyeballs and my teeth

But he says I look good.

He is my friend

When I had a flat tyre I called him

When I broke my leg I called him

When I cut my finger I called him.

He is my friend

He would try to save me if there was a tidal wave

He’d hunt for me if kidnappers stole me away

And if I was never found again

He can have my toothbrush.

Appreciation - Isabella Liyanage nee Nallamanicam by Lakshman Karalliedde

'The Island' - 16th January 2011.

ISABELLA LIYANAGE-Nee NALLAMANICAM -AN INSPIRING LIFE

My first exposure to the Liyanage family was in the early 1950’s during the (then) annual boxing fixture between Royal and Trinity. In three weight divisions, a Liyanage was at the Royal corner and they all fisted the respective Trinity opponents into total submission. In 1960, the middle one-Sunil and Isabella started their medical studies at the Colombo Medical Faculty with me. My friendship with Sunil developed with great rapidity and their home at Gregory’s Avenue was my second home in Colombo. Isabella most aptly described in the Eulogy was immaculate, statuesque, confident and intelligent and uncomfortable but tolerant of the ‘K’s in the batch whose behavior was far from the accepted norms. Sunil, in contrast to his aggressive style in the boxing ring- he battered his opponent at the inter-university championship, was quiet except at block concerts, impish, extremely quick witted with an uncanny poker faced sense of humour. I also knew Isabella’s mother, who first showed me how to care for an infant when Niran, Sunil’s and Isabella’s eldest son was born and Sunil’s mother –Auntie Valerie who at 95 years of age is an avid reader and a computer wizard. Sunil’s late father was known to all of us –affectionately referred to as Patron.
Sunil and Bella left for the UK, shortly after their house jobs in 1967. Both reached commendable heights professionally, with Isabella winning the Gold Medal at the final Radiology Examination, switching to radiology after her membership examination in Medicine. Sunil became a consultant rheumatologist working with a distinguished consultant colleague. They were one of the very few medical couples appointed as Consultants to the same hospital trust which was in one of the most affluent regions in the UK-Windsor-not known only for the castle, as the hospitals served the top rung of society in Windsor, Ascot and Virginia Waters (popularly known as the stock broker belt). Both Bella and Sunil were made honorary members of the Windsor and District Medical Association with the likes of Barbara Ansell.
Isabella, as the sole Consultant Radiologist initially was responsible for developing the specialty in the region to the highest standards in the UK.
When I arrived in the UK for my post-graduate studies in 1970, they hosted me at Reading and introduced the ‘country cousin’ to the British culture which included visits to the pub, lessons on the football league and horse racing. Their home at Virginia Waters was always open to me when I visited England between 1976 and 1989. They were wonderful hosts, generous and genuine.
Both Sunil and Bella treated with empathy and compassion several patients who were near and dear to Kanthi and self. They also looked after our health. On one occasion, to relieve our extreme anxiety, Bella requested a radiology unit to be opened on a Sunday morning at a private Hospital in Windsor, after telephoning her on Saturday evening, to conduct radiological examinations and her expert opinion was about one of the most reassuring and anxiety relieving moments in our lives. In addition, her expert opinion silenced a department of radiology at a London Teaching Hospital.
They provided the best educational opportunities for their two sons, educating them at Eton and later at Oxford, with Yohan obtaining a doctorate from Cambridge. A noble quality which I admired in both Sunil and Bella was that they never provided unsolicited advice but was always available to facilitate and/or provide assistance when requested.
During the past two decades Sunil and I continued with our passion for horse racing with frequent e-mails and text messages which amused our spouses as our selections often fell at the first fence or hurdle or never ended up amongst the first three in flat racing. Nevertheless, we persisted and survived.
Bella’s determination, discipline and dedication to provide nothing but the best for Sunil, Niran, Yohan , the specialty and colleagues and the community she served and friends was in the least admirable. She displayed her inner strengths and courage coping for a long period with an illness for which she was aware that there was no known cure, continuing with her work and helping the family and the community she served. She never wavered, whimpered or worried about her health.
An inspiring life.
A chord, stronger or weaker, is snapped asunder in every parting, and Time's busy fingers are not practiced in re splicing broken ties. Meet again you may; will it be in the same way? with the same sympathies? with the same sentiments? Will the souls, hurrying on in diverse paths, unite once more, as if the interval had been a dream? Rarely, rarely.
- Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

Bella-You have left treasured memories of a precious friendship.
Lakshman Karalliedde

email from Sunil Liyanage

Dear friends,

I write to convey thanks from our sons Niran and Yohan, Bella’s brother Indran, and from myself to all friends who got in touch with us, whether by email, phone call, card or with flowers. We were touched by your comments and by your expression of sympathy. There were over 300 people in Church; and we reckon half of them came home afterwards.

The eulogies were given by friend and colleague Philip Reginald who spoke about Bella’s work, and by our older son Niran who spoke about Bella from a personal and family perspective.

These are attached to this email.

If you have difficulty in opening the attachments, and would still wish to read them, please get in touch we me directly, sunilpl@btconnect.com and I will send an open Word document.

With our thanks and love

Sunil

2 attachments — Download all attachments

Eulogy Bella - PWR 2003Doc.doc 30K View Download

Eulogy to Isabella Liyanage -Niran 2003Doc.doc 41K View Download

email from Dr.Sunil Liyanage

Dear Philip,

You kindly informed colleagues about the passing away of my dear wife Bella on 27^th December. Some have kindly phoned or sent emails already.

May I use your circulation list to inform people of the funeral arrangements on Thursday 6^th January at 11.30 a.m. at Christ Church, Christchurch Road, Virginia Water, GU25 4PT, UK

My apologies to those living outside UK for the intrusion with this notice, when they would clearly not be able to attend.

The family would love to see as many friends and colleagues as possible at the funeral, and they are invited to our home afterwards for some food and drink.

Kind regards

Sunil

Obituary

Dr.Isabella (Bella) Liyanage nee Nallamanikkam, our batch-mate, passed away peacefully in her sleep at Windsor, UK. 'Bella' was married to Dr.Sunil Liyanage, also our Batch-mate.
We convey our condolences on behalf of the batch of 1960 entrants to the Medical Faculty, Colombo, Sri Lanka.
May her Soul Rest in Peace.